How to improve your communication style

Communication is something many people struggle with. Often it’s not what we say but how we say it. So how can we say it better? This blog explores the 5 communication styles and their impact on responses, using information provided by Breathe HR’s eLearning course on Communication Styles.  

The 5 communication styles are:

1. Assertive
2. Aggressive
3. Passive aggressive
4. Submissive
5. Manipulative

1. Assertive communication style

Assertive communicators have the confidence to communicate without turning to games or manipulation. They know their limits and don’t allow others to pressure them into anything they don’t agree with. This is the healthiest and most effective communication style and the style people use the least.

Behavioural traits linked to assertive communication include:

• Achieving goals without hurting others
• Being protective of their own rights and respectful of other people’s rights
• Being able to express themselves socially and emotionally
• Making their own decisions and taking responsibility for their choices
• Asking directly for their needs to be met, while accepting the possibility of rejection
• Accepting compliments
• Language that is direct while being respectful

Nonverbal behaviour related to assertive communication includes using:

• A medium pitch, speed and volume
• An open posture with a tall and relaxed balance
• Even and relevant gestures
• Good eye contact
• Respectful and controlled position within the space, whether that’s during a 1 on 1 conversation or a presentation to a room of people

2. Aggressive communication style

The aggressive communication style is about ‘winning’, often at someone else’s expense. This is an ineffective communication style as the content of the message often becomes lost due to the receiver focussing on the way it has been delivered. 

Behavioural traits linked to aggressive communication include:

• Frightening, threatening, loud or hostile
• Willing to achieve their goals at the expense of others
• Out to ‘win’
• Demanding and abrasive
• Belligerent
• Explosive and unpredictable
• Intimidating

The non-verbal behaviour related to the aggressive style includes using:

• A loud volume
• A posture that appears bigger and taller than others
• Big, fast, and sharp gestures
• Scowling, frowning, or glaring facial expressions
• Their spatial position to invade others’ personal space

3. Passive aggressive communication style

Individuals who use the passive aggressive communication style may seem submissive on the surface, but are actually acting out their anger in indirect ways. Individuals who behave in this manner usually feel powerless and resentful, and express their feelings by subtly undermining the object of their resentment.

Behavioural traits linked to passive aggressive communication include:

• Indirectly aggressive
• Sarcastic or patronising
• Devious or unreliable
• Sulking
• Gossiping
• Two-faced (i.e. pleasant in front of people, but sabotaging them behind their backs)

The non-verbal behaviour related to the passive aggressive style includes using:

• A ‘sugary sweet’ voice when speaking face-to-face
• An asymmetrical posture (e.g. standing with their hand on their hip)
• Jerky and quick gestures
• Sweet and innocent looking facial expressions
• Their spatial position to pretend to be warm and friendly by standing too close

4. Submissive communication style

The submissive communication style is about pleasing other people and avoiding conflict.

Behavioural traits linked to submissive communication include:

• Being apologetic (i.e. they feel like they are imposing when they ask for things)
• Avoiding any confrontation
• Finding it difficult to take responsibility for decisions
• Giving in to someone else’s preferences while discounting their own rights or needs
• Feeling like a victim and blaming others for events
• Refusing compliments
• Being inexpressive of their own feelings and desires

The non-verbal behaviour related to the submissive style includes:

• Using a soft voice
• Making themselves as small as possible by keeping their head turned down
• Twisting and fidgeting
• Not making eye contact

5. Manipulative communication style

The manipulative communication style is scheming, calculating and shrewd. Individuals who use the manipulative communication style are skilled at influencing or controlling others to their own advantage. Their spoken words hide an underlying message, of which the other person may be totally unaware.

The behavioural traits linked to the manipulative style include:

• Being cunning
• Asking directly for their needs to be met
• Making others feel sorry for them
• Controlling others in subtle ways (e.g. sulking to make others feel sorry for them)
• Using pretend tears (i.e. ‘crocodile tears’)

The non-verbal behaviour related to the manipulative style includes using:

• A tone of voice that is patronising, envious or ingratiating
• Facial expressions that show a mixture of misery and self-pity

Top tips for improving your communication

As you can see, assertive communication is the only style with listed positives according to Breathe’s research. We concur with this as we all know, no one likes to be manipulated, frightened, or patronised (in or out of the workplace). Communication skills are at the top of every job description on every job advert that has ever existed. So how can we get better at communicating? Practice and self awareness. To practise your communication skills, you might like to ask a trusted friend to give you feedback on your communication style and skills. This feedback can be very useful, as we often do not really know how we appear to others. Or you could film yourself having a conversation. When you watch the recording, you should note what your words and body language may be communicating and identify any areas that you could improve on.

What more can I do?

Listen! People want to be heard. By really listening to what someone is saying, your response will be more genuine. Take one conversation at a time and give it your complete focus while paying particular attention to what they are trying to communicate to you.

Be aware of your body language. Keep it balanced, open and interested. Don’t overuse gestures, but ensure you appear engaged with the conversation by nodding your head or agreeing non-verbally. Body language is responsible for 55% of how listeners perceive a speaker, don’t underestimate its power.

Make use of the '24-Hour Rule'. Whenever dealing with any issue that might have emotional content, you should use the '24-hour rule'. that is, never send an email, message, letter, memo or report until you have had a day to reflect on the content and are sure that it communicates the facts and tone appropriately.

Find out which communication style you are with this online tool from marriage.com